she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
