Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
