he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
