Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
