I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
