Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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