I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
