I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
