i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
