I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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