She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
