Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
