He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
