It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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