I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
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She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
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I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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