Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
