apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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