i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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