we have officially lost it.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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