The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
