I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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