Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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