the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
