fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
