I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
