I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
