it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
