Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I got inside last night via doggy door
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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