Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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