Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
