yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Randomize
