Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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