there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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