I'm passing your future prison.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
