dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Randomize
