Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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