I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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