Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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