If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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