everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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