I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
