You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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