DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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