Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
