I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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