im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
