You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
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You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
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He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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