Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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