my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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