Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
