I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
