I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
