'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
