you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
