My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
