I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
